Optional: Listen to an overview of this lesson.

Intro to Lesson One - Co-Regulation and The Stress Cycle:

Meltdowns are a natural response when a young child’s nervous system becomes overwhelmed, often triggered by sensory overload, frustration, or unmet needs. Research suggests that a child's stress response system, governed by the amygdala, can take 20 to 30 minutes to fully calm after a meltdown begins, though this can vary depending on the child. During this time, the best approach is co-regulation—staying present, offering a calm tone, and allowing the child to release their emotions in a safe space without escalating the situation. 

Once the meltdown subsides, both caregiver and child need to close the stress cycle, which can be done through physical connection (like a hug or holding hands), rhythmic movement (walking together, rocking, or deep breathing), or play. If harm occurred during the meltdown -- such as hurtful words, hitting, or breaking things -- repairing the connection is crucial. 

Caregivers can model accountability by gently stating, "We had some big feelings. I love you, and we can work together to make things better." Encouraging the child to participate in repair (helping to fix a broken toy, saying kind words, or offering a hug) helps rebuild trust and teaches lifelong emotional regulation skills.

The stress cycle is the body’s natural response to perceived threats, activating the fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response through the nervous system. Research from leading neuroscientists like Dr. Bruce Perry and psychologists Emily and Amelia Nagoski highlights that stress is not just an emotional experience but a physiological process that must be completed for a person to return to a regulated state. We must work the stress out not only from our heads but really from our bodies. This is true for both young children and adults. 

Understanding the Stress Cycle in Children and Caregivers

When a child experiences a meltdown, their body is flooded with stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline, preparing them to react to the perceived challenge. However, stress doesn’t automatically resolve when the trigger disappears. If the stress cycle is not completed, it can stay “stuck” in the body, leading to lingering anxiety, behavioral issues, or even health problems over time.

For both caregivers and children, closing the stress cycle is essential to return to a calm, regulated state. Research-backed ways to close the stress cycle include:
✅ Physical movement – Running, jumping, walking, or stretching helps discharge excess energy.
✅ Deep breathing – Activates the parasympathetic nervous system, signaling safety.
✅ Connection – Hugs, cuddling, or soothing touch release oxytocin, the "calm and connection" hormone.
✅ Creative play – Drawing, singing, or imaginative play helps process emotions.
✅ Laughter or crying – Both are natural ways for the nervous system to reset.

What This Means for Caregivers

When a child has a meltdown, caregivers often experience their own stress response, which needs to be acknowledged and addressed. Co-regulation—remaining present, using a calm voice, and modeling emotional regulation—helps both caregiver and child navigate the stress cycle together. After the meltdown, engaging in a calming activity together (like deep breathing, a short walk, or a hug) can help complete the cycle for both of you, restoring connection and emotional balance.

By understanding and respecting the stress cycle, caregivers can help their child’s nervous system develop resilience, reducing the intensity and frequency of meltdowns over time. 

And this all starts with the caregiver’s self-regulation. You cannot help our child calm down if you are not calm first. How do we do this when our own stress levels are off the charts? That’s a big deal. Keep reading! We can help you do that in the next activity.

Download a printable pdf of this introduction lesson.